The People You May Know feature on the sidebar lists between three and five faces that you most definitely recognize and are without a doubt never going to be facebook friends with.  Why?  In my case, it can also be renamed people you may know that you may have gone out with a few times in the fall of 2009 and that you are no longer acquainted with based upon an unfortunate misunderstanding related to: a too early confession of an addiction to anime uh, porn (his), a boner-killing revelation when he touched the small of your back to find what he must have assumed to be a scoliosis type brace when it was in fact just high waisted Spanx (mine), or you both were just not eating compatible (ed note: may need to be less judgmental in '12)  The usual. 

All that is to say, as you are moving forward in your life - responding to all those event invites, untagging yourself in unflattering pictures, perhaps checking out the page of a new crush - those three people on your sidebar are silently saying 'remember me?  you checked out my page like this too.  you read too much into my 'liking' the Say Anything fan page and ascribed Lloyd Dobler type qualities to me, when really some unfortunate highly elasticized granny panties will be the end of us.'  

Or the people you may know are comedy acquaintances where we haven't taken it to the next level yet but we have hundreds of friends in common.  I probably already followed you on twitter, so your move, cool?  Not a big deal.

These are terrible and have to stop.  They are self-indulgent and most updates you are sharing with the world regarding frustration potty training or your child saying 'I love you' are just normal parts of parenting.  Can you imagine the Greatest Generation updating their facebook statuses?  Oh, you can't see them putting "Bobby Jr. is still in the hospital for polio!!! :(   Mommy loves you.  I wish I could be there with you now but I have to go play professional baseball on my all-women's team now!!"  No.  The greatest generation made sacrifices and took things on the chin and canned their own foods!  

The one thing I will allow always is tons of pictures of your kids.*  Especially chubby babies.  I will even allow captions as long as you are attempting to be funny.  You must also defriend anyone who constantly comments under your kid's picture using the word "precious."  Unless we are talking about the novel by Sapphire, that word is completely overused to describe my friends kids.  Unless they are saying your kids actually remind them of the movie Precious - in which case, I get it, but that's a bit harsh.  

*You thought I wouldn't be cool with tons of baby pictures?  What am I, a monster?  I am a 29 year old woman after all!  Ok, I will be 30 in three weeks, but am holding onto my twenties with white knuckles.

This must stop.  You are so self satisfied!  What, you are getting on a plane??!  This is not newsworthy.  There was less press coverage of the Lindbergh kidnapper than when one of my acquaintances' flight was delayed at O'Hare due to bad weather.  Unless your name ends with Earhart, no more flight updates.

* I am attempting to update my jokes in 2012.  More vampires, Hunger Games, less 1920's aviators.  Rome wasn't built in a day.