“Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive? If "needy" were a turn-on?” – Albert Brooks, “Broadcast News”

 Today People Magazine released their list of the Sexiest Men Alive in 2011.  Bradley Cooper was named  the sexiest man this year – I get it.  I really loved his work in “The Hangover” when his son fell asleep on him at the end of the movie (which I read was his personal idea – to add that human touch of fatherhood and sensitivity!) and “Sex and the City” when he plays that guy that Carrie decides not to go home when she jumps out of his convertible when he shows her the cover of NY Magazine with her photo under the  “Single and Fabulous?” headline.  He’s a great actor.  I get it.

 Any Ryan Gosling is on the list.  Of course.  There is nothing he can’t do.  And he’s not even TRYING to be sexy, people.  In fact, he is trying the opposite.  (See:  “Blue Valentine” – pedophile/ 70s Elton John glasses and fake receding hairline)  People even gave Aziz Ansari a shout out, which I am totally for.

 I just have one slight problem.

 So they included Dylan McDermott, for whom I have nothing personally against.  He was in one of my favorite movies that I was probably too young to watch when it first came out, “Steel Magnolias.”  And he was excellent in it.  He is even the adopted son of Eve Ensler, who married his dad when he was only 15 and she was 23.  I’m sure it was not easy having a stepmom who is only 8 years older than you and discussing vaginas non-stop while writing “The Vagina Monologues."  In theory I really like Dylan McDermott.  And I feel bad people always confuse him with Dermot Mulroney, just because they have similar sounding names and builds and levels of fame peaking in the late 90s.  They are completely different!  Dermot Mulroney is in a band!  And was involved with Julia Roberts in “My Best Friend’s Wedding” while Dylan McDermott was in a show about a lawyer I think?  And his wife is brunette, although I believe Dermot has a thing for brunettes too?

Anyway.  All this is to say that I am happy Dylan McDermott was included in this list.  I hope this will bring on a John Travoltian type career revival.  Just one small thing.

It’s not really a big deal, but could we have chosen ANY OTHER PICTURE of him besides this one??  I’m not sure why he is wearing a soaking wet button down shirt while shielding his eyes from the blinding rays of his future comeback.  And I am glad the sleeves are rolled up to reveal his tattoos which I was shocked that he had.  (Seems like a much more Dermot Mulroney thing)  But the hand?  Not the one on his forehead, which is the exact pose I used when trying to scam a nap in the nurse’s office during elementary school.  The other hand… in his belly button.  Now I may not have the most conventional taste.  If backed against a wall, I would still find most of the non-Scott Bakula members on TNT’s “Men of a Certain Age” still attractive.  But I have to say I feel like I walked in on a personal moment.  I feel like even Dylan knows this shoot feels wrong and he is trying to subconsciously revert back to a comforting place, feeling for that phantom umbilical cord.  A couple of the top buttons undone?  Great!  You’re on vacation.  A little chesthair never hurt anyone.  But the bottom buttons unbuttoned?  I will only ever think of Agador Spartacus from The Birdcage.

I really  hope that despite this picture, you get that career comeback.  You deserve it.  Just next time  ask yourself if Dermot Mulroney would do it, and act accordingly.