Power Lunch
Just returned from my daily lunch routine. Today was no different than my usual. When not having power lunches with colleagues and friends, it is roughly as follows: walking while listening to mood reflecting music, stopping into either Ann Taylor or Sephora (I’m 30 now, remember?), then picking up a healthy lunch consisting of local organic vegetables (kidding of course).
Today as I was walking by the Ann Taylor on Fifth Avenue I paused to look in the window first. Hmm, those dresses look a bit boxy, we can do better than that Ann… A weird guy stopped next to me. How to describe him? He was like a 45 year old less attractive Louie Anderson type. I am picturing blonde chest hair for sure. He yells out “Well I’m one of the producers and he works for me!! I’ll tell Paramount myself!” Then he hangs up abruptly. This conversation could not be more cliché. It is the equivalent of a finance guy screaming out “Well I told him to buy it at 6. Now we have to sell! Check the S&P Index, I have to close a deal now, then go out for expensive sushi!!” Or a tech entrepreneur screaming out “Google did WHAT?!! Classic! Fools!! K, gonna go meet with some angel investors now, we’re kinda the next Groupon, we have so many meetings its embarrassing!”
Right after he hung up he looked at me while I accidentally gave him the judgy side-eye.
Him: “You’ll have to excuse me. I am in the middle of tense negotiations. I’m casting a feature film I am producing for Paramount.” I told him no worries and shrugged then started to walk away. “I’m a little stressed out right now. This is weird, but are you in the industry? You look familiar.”
Now Readers: This isn’t Michie’s first time to this picnic. While I may look much, much younger than I am, I’m not quite as naïve as I once was. I’ve been to far too many fake industry events, accidental pyramid scheme interviews, and “meetings” with agents held in Starbucks, and after a while it hardens you.
I am still only human though.
Me: Oh really? I look familiar? Ha. Well, umm… do you go to indie comedy shows at all? You may have seen me at the People’s Improv Theatre, or UCB East, or Union Pool in Brooklyn? Hmm no? Umm, well maybe you saw me at that Chipotle on 50th Street? I grab lunch there quite often… Or are you on twitter at all?
Him: No. That’s not it. You look like an actress. (this is industry speak for “care to bone?”)
Me: Oh. Well…I….
Him: Because I am casting this project and there are some smaller parts you might be great for. (this is how every Law & Order featuring a young murdered girl begins) My project is about – you really can’t tell anyone – (oops. But also he did reveal this to a stranger 15 seconds after meeting, so it’s probably fine) this guy who goes on a road trip to find himself but ends up with a stripper who teaches him about life. I think you’d be great to play… (Ah there we go. He wants me to audition to play a stripper. No way. I didn’t study Restoration theatre acting techniques to end up murdered for his fake movie. I am an artist!)… a waitress at a Midwest diner. He later has an encounter with her. There can be something very erotic and sexy about a non-model looking girl.
Me: UGHHH. No thanks! That sounds terrible. OK, gotta check out Ann Taylor.
So there we go. I am still alive and not auditioning for a fake movie due in no small part to a measure of common sense and pride. If only I hadn’t told him about my favorite spot, Chipotle… I guess I’ll have to play it safe and change the routine up a bit. I’ll be at the 54th Street Chipotle if any (real) movie producers are looking for me.
