Posterous theme by Cory Watilo

Uncle Mike from Staten Island.

My Greek coworker/best mate lives with her Aunt and Uncle on Staten Island.  Her Aunt loves her being there.  They watch Lifetime movies together, eat together every night, and she can monitor Neffy's every decision.  Nefeli's Uncle Mike however, is of the old school.  He is Irish, loves smoking, and this is probably really surprising, but he is really into having his own space.  Neffy recounted a date she once had with a New York City cop.  He picked her up in his sweet car, took her for a steak dinner, and rolled up his sleeves after he met her Aunt and Uncle to reveal his sleeves (cool people speak for tattoos).  No one could be more excited for this date and wanting it to result in love and marriage than Uncle Mike.  Uncle Mike is so motivated for Nef to be in a good relationship and get married that he is basically the 60 year old tough Irish equivalent of  45 year old single woman who has given herself one more date to make a go of it before harvesting all eggs and stopping by the sperm bank.

Ergo, Banal Fixation shall now start a new feature entitled:  Advice from Uncle Mike from Staten Island

On when to do the business:

"Wear something nice.  You want to look like a woman, but there's no need to look like a putano and have your business hanging out.  You need to look classy.  And if you sleep with him tonight do not even bother coming home, I don't know you anymore.  Any respectable girl waits at least six dates.  That is the magic number."

Do you think it's a good idea to cohabitate?

"First of all never ever ever leave your parents house to move in with your boyfriend.  Make sure you live independently for at least a year.  Grow a set first.  Taste the freedom of life before you fall into someone else’s trap.  Just remember this: When he pulls the covers over your head and he passes gas, your life is just beginning with him."

How do you get someone to change something very small in themselves?

"Are you fking kidding me?  Don't be a moron.  No one changes anything about themselves for another person.  He might pretend to change to get into your pants, but as soon as he starts zipping his zipper his brain has begun to delete all your requests."

There we have it.  Putanos.  Dressing classy.  And Dutch ovens.  More from Uncle Mike soon!


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